Workplace Bullying: Anxiety and Abuse

This is a topic that part of me thought I'd never write about on here. After all, it has to do with a company which, for the longest time, was my employer and source of income. As unhappy as I was with certain things, I also didn't want to shoot myself in the foot and blacklist myself from any possible career advancement. I am, of course, referring to my now-former job as a retail supervisor for a local telecommunications company in the town where I live. I've mentioned before how my regional manager was not my biggest fan, and how he bullied me for several years, but recently I've come face to face with just how much damage he did, and how much damage bullying can do to anyone who's subjected to it. Research into bullying shows that it results in permanent, negative changes to brain chemistry which causes things such as anxiety, depression and a propensity towards drug abuse. In essence, bullying changes the way your brain works, and the results can be felt every day. 

I recently started my new job in technical support at another local telecommunications company, and I've found it amazing just what an impact my former boss' abusive behaviour has had on me without my even realizing it. Take, for example, my new manager. She's a sweet lady who genuinely cares about all of us on the support staff, and I know that she only coaches with the intent of improving all of our performance at our jobs. Despite understanding this intellectually, however, I still find myself wincing and cringing in fear when I'm told I did something wrong. My former regional manager never provided me the proper training I needed to do my job properly, then would proceed to yell at and berate me when I didn't do what he expected me to do to begin with. It literally sent my brain for a loop when my new boss told me that there was no such thing as a stupid question. Again, I know this intellectually, but its a testament to the destructive power of bullying that even now, having escaped my former manager's clutches, I'm still struggling through the anxiety and wounded self esteem he gave me as a parting gift. 

I made the conscious choice not long ago to let go of the negativity I was carrying around from that old job, and the results have been very rewarding for me. I feel happier, more whole and more healthy emotionally than I have for a long time. Even still though, it often amazes me how much an effect abusive situations have on us. I still often have to remind myself that, when anxious feelings arise regarding my coworkers and managers, they are in fact in my head. Bullying negatively affects everyone, but we Aspies are prone to living in our own headspaces, and because of this it can often cause many difficulties. Ending bullying is each of our responsibilities, and we need to stop creating situations where bullying behaviour is excused and even encouraged. As an employee in a workplace, it is infinitely more difficult to stand up to an employer since they control whether you can put food on the table and pay bills. That is a dangerous amount of power for any bully to hold, but it happens every day.

Let's all work together to end bullying, both for our children, and for ourselves in the adult world.

As always yours in diversity,

Adam Michael

Depression and Aspergers: A Personal Journey

I had a humbling experience recently. As part of my writing process, both for this blog, and for my book, I took it upon myself to reach out to the psychiatrist who my parents saw for a second opinion on Aspergers as a kid…the one who eventually determined that in her opinion I have ADHD. Going in, I prepared myself for what it would be like, knowing that I’d have both an incredible source of wisdom and knowledge in her, and a window to an uncomfortable part of my past. Despite this, I still don’t think I was fully prepared for the things I learned about myself and my childhood in talking to her.

My former psychiatrist (we’ll call her ‘Dr. M’ for the purposes of this blog post) told me how getting a second opinion on the Aspergers diagnosis was not the only reason my parents took me to see her. Apparently, according to Dr. M., I was also going through a depressive episode at the time stemming from my feelings regarding my parents’ divorce, and was experiencing flashes of mood swings which were very intense. Such strong, volatile and quickly changing moods are all hallmarks of both ADHD and Aspergers’, and so I can’t say I found this all that surprising. No, for me, it was finding out about the depressive episode which really rocked me. Apparently, I had even mentioned thoughts of suicide at the time. I don’t remember any of this, but Dr. M. gave me the documentation to back it all up. Truthfully, I’ve had to take some time to process everything, which is why it’s taken me a while to write this blog post.

Having thought everything over in great detail, I’ve come to a few realizations. For one, I’ve had it driven home for me exactly why I’m the cheerful optimist that I am. I would of course go through another dark period years later in middle school and again stand on the razor’s edge. The fact that in both cases, I not only refused to jump off, but stood defiantly and chose life is proof of my brain’s choice of positivity over negativity any day, even if I didn’t realize at the time that I was even making it. Robin Williams said it right when he said that “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” This screams of truth for me.

The second realization I came to is just how susceptible those of us on the Autism spectrum are to things like depression. I’ve mentioned before just how close to the surface the emotions of someone with ASD bubble, and this combined with something like a divorce situation was bound to wreak havoc on my young mind. Having all of these aggressive, angry, sad feelings and not having many healthy outlets made things difficult. Thank goodness my mom always let me rant. As someone with ADHD and Aspergers, I feel my emotions deeply and passionately, and react to things intensely since the volume on the whole world feels like it’s dialed up to 11. It’s only natural that I’d have hit such dark times.

In the end, I’m eternally grateful for the work Dr. M did with me as a child. While I disagree with her on a few things (she seemed to think I only had ADHD, while I definitely see both that and Aspergers in my makeup), she helped me work through a dark period in my history that I’d forgotten I even had, and in the process helped me learn a bit more about exactly who I am and how my brain works. I could tell as she and I spoke how proud she was to learn that I’d gone on to do well for myself in life, and I think my request for her help on the book flattered her to no end. Frankly, she deserved every bit of praise I gave her. Depression isn’t easy to work through when you’re a neurotypical adult; it’s even harder for a neurodivergent child. We need to give everyone living with it our unconditional support and love, not judgment and anger.

Thank you, Dr. M., both for your work with me as a child, and for teaching me just how far I’d come and how strong I have been my whole life. You rock!

As always, yours in diversity,

Adam Michael

The Importance of Educating Others: Making a Difference, One Brain At A Time

As you all know, I've spoken numerous times on this blog about the problems inherent in the mainstream media's understanding of Autism Awareness Month. The focus on curing, the pathologizing of personality types, and other such issues are just a few of the many facing those of us on the spectrum at this time of the year. What I haven't touched very much on, however, is simply how little real understanding there is among people. Indeed I've found that, despite everyone being so very terrified of Autism, many don't even really understand what it is and what the best ways of working with it are.

Recently, I was visiting my mom's side of my family in Kingston, Ontario and while I was there, I had an opportunity to talk to Kingston's M.P.P. (Member of Provincial Parliament for you non-Canadians out there)'s aide about my concerns over some of the provincial government's new Autism spending priorities. My cousin is also Autistic you see, and he felt the need to go provide a real human face to the whole thing. Naturally, I enthusiastically tagged along. While there, I took the opportunity to explain my concern over a recent image released by Ontario's provincial government in honour of Autism Month encouraging people to “light it up blue.” I talked about how Light It Up Blue is a propaganda campaign promoted by Autism Speaks, how it undermines the ability of those of us on the spectrum to speak and exist for ourselves, and how otherwise problematic the campaign is. I even suggested that the government use “Red Instead” and “Neurodiversity Month” in place of Light It Up Blue, since they are more respectful of the agency and rights of Autistics. Well, an amazing thing happened; the MPP's aide not only listened, she smiled in approval and understanding, as if a rainbow-coloured, infinity-shaped lightbulb had gone on upstairs. She thanked us both for the input and told me she had never considered what I had said before but that she'd get right on bringing it to Sophie (the MPP)'s attention.

I had made a difference; and it felt amazing!

The whole thing really drove home for me how little most people know about Autism. Granted, we've all heard the word, seen the propaganda, and probably all either know someone on the spectrum or are there ourselves. For most individuals, however, that's where it ends. The reason why most people think Autism Speaks is a great and charitable organization, for example, is that there is a precious lack of understanding. This is of course, not helped along by the fact that most information about Autism is presented by clinicians, politicians, parents and charity groups, with most of Autistics' actual stories being drowned out by these voices. It's a frustrating dilemma because most would probably turn wholesale against the mainstream understanding of Autism if only they knew better. This isn't meant as condescension; it's merely a fact.

There is a common idea among activists that it shouldn't be the responsibility of the oppressed group to explain themselves and educate others. While I understand the sentiment behind this, I don't find its fair nor applicable in the case of the Neurodiversity movement precisely because of this lack of information. While its true that we shouldn't HAVE to explain to others what its like living on the Autism Spectrum, the reality of the situation is that we often must. After all, if we don't, who will? If those of us who are neurodivergent don't speak up and contribute our human stories to the conversation, then the discourse will continue to be dominated by researchers, clinicians and parents' groups. The fact is, most people do want to help and meet us where we are, but we first need to help them know exactly where that is. Education is an essential part of improving the world for those with ASD and other neurodivergent conditions. It's the only way we can fight back against all the lack of understanding and actually build a world that is fair to everyone no matter the circumstances of their birth.

In the words of Peppy Hare from Star Fox (because it's kind of become my obsession right now), “Do a barrel roll,” educate others, and keep fighting the good fight!

Yours in Diversity,

Adam Michael

"Fearing the Wind": Change, Growth and Life

Change. It's a part of life. Merely the act of being alive on this earth brings with it the need to change and adapt to new surroundings and situations almost constantly. Even still, this is one of the hardest things for any of us on the Autism Spectrum to deal with. While humans in general tend to get comfortable and have difficulty with change, this is magnified a billion-fold when one has an ASD. I have not always realized this about myself, but events this year have conspired to bring me face-to-face with my own resistance to new things and new life situations.

As I've said before, I've worked for the same small telecommunications company for the last few years, ever since graduating from university. Early on, I saw potential for growth and career development with them, so I diligently stuck with it and worked at whatever my superiors requested from me. Things began to change in that department, however, when I was promoted to my current role. While this position enticed me (how could any salaried position with a pension and benefits not do so to someone freshly out of school?), I soon learned that things were more difficult than I expected them to be in a leadership position. Organization, time management, understanding the nuances of social interaction – all things which, while workable, do not always come as easily to an Aspie like myself – are essential skills in my managerial role. Naturally, I struggled through these things and made many mistakes, but through it all I worked hard, fought the good fight and dedicated myself to self-improvement. For her part, my immediate supervisor was supportive and willing to help me learn.

Our corporate manager on the other hand, was (and is) a different story. Almost from the beginning, he has apparently not liked me. I've consistently worked hard to demonstrate the immeasurable strengths which I bring to the table, but equally as consistently he's shot me down in favour of pointing out my difficulties. This came to a head recently, and after four years of his bullying, coupled with how hard I worked to improve myself, it stung. I hit my lowest point and I'm slightly ashamed to admit that I cried in front of my immediate supervisor. At the time, I felt embarrassed and oh so low.

The thing of it is though, in a weird way this conversation set me free.

Two weeks after having this interaction with my boss, I've experienced my life change for the better in so many ways. I've decided on a direction for my career, refocussed my energies on pursuing what I want out of life, and begun the process of cutting negative influences like my corporate boss out of my life. Most importantly, I found a new job more suited to my strengths! This whole thing has lead me to believe that life is too short to do anything other than play to your best qualities and seek out happiness. Ironically, none of this would have happened were it not for things hitting a negative point in my current work situation.

We Aspies are inherently creatures of routine and habit. We crave structure, repetition and comfort, and don't always like venturing forth to seek out new opportunities. While this may make us intensely loyal to a certain group, organization or place, it can also put the blinders on our vision and cover up the many signs that may be telling us that it's time to take the bull by the horns and embrace something new. The truth is, I've been hiding behind the creature comforts of a salaried position from the very real fact that I needed to look for something more suited to my abilities, and I have been for some time now. Finally reaching the point I'm at feels like a great weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm free, and for the first time in three years, my future feels filled with hope and optimism.

The point I'm trying to make in all of this is that, while its difficult, especially for anyone with an ASD, to accept change, sometimes it's what we need most in order to thrive. Change betters us, helps us grow, and teaches us valuable lessons about ourselves and the world. While it's not always easy, it is almost always beneficial since even the bad experiences bring with them positive wisdom and self-development.

After all, to quote Captain Jonathan Archer of the Enterprise NX-01, “you can't be afraid of the wind.”

As always, yours in diversity,

Adam Michael

"Neurodiversity Month": Why "Autism Awareness" Just Doesn't Cut It Anymore

Ahh springtime. The sun is shining, the temperature is rising, and if you're Canadian like myself, you've probably just survived Second Winter (seriously, good on ya mate). It's the time of the year when everything seems to be waking up and things are beautiful. There is, however, another reason this part of the year is meaningful, especially to those of us on the Autism Spectrum and our allies. April is, after all, traditionally known as Autism Awareness Month, and it's that time during every orbit of the earth around the sun when all those who care about Autism choose to show solidarity. Sounds good, right?

The problem is, as both a yearly phenomenon and a movement in general, Autism Awareness doesn't really cut it. It is a cause that dates back to the first parents' movements centred around Autism, and it has the backing of big organizations like Autism Speaks, but the issue is that none of these groups really put Autistics first. Parents' groups are, understandably, focussed on navigating the challenges of raising a child with Autism, and Autism Speaks has a whole host of problems that would take an entire blog post to fully articulate. Despite having honourable intentions, both groups unintentionally (perhaps intentionally, in the case of Autism Speaks) perpetuate the same message; that Autism is a tragedy in need of eradication. Nothing could, of course, be further from the truth.

There is an important saying among Autistic self-advocates that there can be "nothing about us, without us," and it is the violation of this principle which is at the root of all of society's misunderstandings of Autism. People are inundated with clinical facts and statistics about various Autism Spectrum conditions that range from true-yet-overly-simplistic to flat out wrong, and yet not many organizations that claim to fight for the welfare of Autistics actually seem to care enough to consult those of us with first hand experience on the subject. If self representation is a key cornerstone of any civil rights struggle, then it is an opportunity many of us are denied in the mainstream Autism discussion.

Because of this, I'd like to propose something on this blog. Rather than calling this Autism Awareness Month, let's rechristen it "Neurodiversity Month" instead. We would of course still welcome all of the support and shows of solidarity put forth by our allies and friends, and we would still encourage the discussion of best practices regarding working with Autistics and living with Autism. The chief difference would be that, rather than let other organizations define our struggles and triumphs for us, we will do it ourselves. Neurodiversity Month represents us taking back the month and fighting for our own self-representation on this issue, and it's essential. There will be no talk of cures and eradication, only love, acceptance and support the way it should be anyway. Basically, much like June is LGBT Pride month, I propose we make April ours.

I invite anyone reading this blog to support this initiative. Let's retake the month together, and give all of those on the Spectrum a chance to advocate for and represent themselves. Our Facebook page will have custom banners and profile pictures available. I urge you to use them throughout April to show your solidarity and support, not just for Autistics, Aspies and other Neurodivergent folk, but also for our right to be ourselves and speak for ourselves, our struggles and our triumphs in this world.

As always Yours in Diversity

Adam Michael

Why I Fight. (or why I'm Not Ready To Make Nice)

As I'm sure many of you are aware, next month is Autism Awareness Month. As such, I'm bracing myself for the flurry of Autism-related posts flooding my social media feeds over the next 60 days or so. In the past, I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who have been very supportive of Neurodiversity and not thought less of me for having Aspergers. Sure, I've come across ableist comments (which as you can imagine I have quickly crushed), but in general, I've always been able to look at April and consider it “Neurodiversity Month” because of the positive humans I seem to have surrounded myself with.

Except it isn't Neurodiversity Month. Not really.

I came to this realization a few nights ago while talking to my friend, fellow Aspergian, and fellow Neurodiversity blogger Steph Diorio on Facebook (check out her awesome blog here at http://aspergersillustrated.blogspot.ca/). She had shared a video about how best to support the Aspies in one's life during a hard month such as April. It brought up the very real fact that Autism Awareness Month isn't about us; its an ableist attempt to talk about cures and eradication of the 'awful tragedy' that is Autism. Frankly, its insulting, and not long after watching this video, I experienced all of this myself first hand. I had to interview my aunt for my book, and while I gained lots of useful information, I also experienced ableist condescension in the process. During my conversation with her, she implied that I was too stubborn and immature for my age, commented on how far I had come and how well I had done (while conveniently leaving out “for someone with Aspergers”), and asked if I shouldn't maybe seek professional help to assist me in managing my “disorder” in adulthood. Nevermind the fact that I'm employed, have a social life, and have earned three university degrees. Needless to say, I was livid, and my temper flared. It took all my strength to keep it contained within until I followed the obligatory social protocols and promptly left her house.

The funny thing about this experience though, is that while yes, I was and am angry, it also led me to remember exactly why I bother with all of this Neurodiversity stuff to begin with. You see, in a way, organizations like Autism Speaks and people with attitudes like those expressed by my aunt are only symptoms of a larger problem; institutionalized ableism and discrimination against those deemed “disordered” by the rest of society. Until society itself changes its attitudes, we will always have ableist discrimination against those on the Autism Spectrum and anyone else who dares to be different from the norm. People like my aunt are part of the problem, and they are the very reason why I started this blog, why I'm writing my book and why myself and countless others continue to care about changing all of this. As with feminism's battle against patriarchy, however, opposing people individually would be akin to cutting off a tentacle, when what we need to do is take down the whole evil boss monster. (+1000 XP if we do!)

So this is why I fight. I fight to make the world a better place for those who are neurodivergent. I fight to end institutionalized ableism against those who are different. I fight to challenge the pathologizing of personality types and the medical model of psychiatry. I fight for those who are nonverbal and cannot fight for themselves. Most importantly, I fight for the right (for myself and others) to exist free of condescension, pity, judgment, and loathing by those who refuse to see our common humanity.

And until we have truly accomplished our goals and banished all of those things in favour of building a more compassionate world? I'm not, nor will I be, to quote the Dixie Chicks, “ready to make nice.”

As always, yours in diversity,

Adam Michael

"Tool of Oppression": The DSM and the Pathologizing of Personality Types

Ahh the DSM. Anyone with even a passing familiarity with psychology is aware of its existence. To mental health professionals all over North America, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the defacto bible by which they shape their careers. Within it is listed every condition discovered by psychological professions up to this point. To society, it is the gold standard by which all mental health conditions are categorized and understood. It is the lens by which most of us view the workings of our own minds, whether we realize it or not.

But is it the best way?

I've been thinking a lot about the DSM lately for many reasons (my book-in-progress and my self-discovery of also having ADHD-Inattentive, to name a few), and its led me to one inescapable conclusion; in some ways, the DSM is the worst enemy of anyone who challenges what I like to call the 'pathology paradigm' present in psychology. Simply put, the DSM is the tool by which, whether knowingly or not, mental health professionals perpetuate our culture of stigma and oppression towards those who are differently wired. The problem isn't even really with the DSM; as a field guide to the various ways in which human minds can be constructed, its very valuable as it has been thoroughly researched and can effectively give guidance on what kinds of problems someone with any of the conditions listed within may possibly face. The issues arise, however, when we start to treat the DSM as the unflinching word of the gods.

I read an interesting article recently on the topic of neurodiversity which argued that in order for any real change to happen in this area, those of us who are neurodivergent would have to stop using the “tools of our oppressors,” (disability first language, words like pathology and disorder, etc.). While I'm not strictly anti-psychiatry per se, the author had a valid point and it is encapsulated in the tendency of the DSM, and psychology in general, to pathologize the human mind and its various personality types. By its very nature, psychology seeks to categorize and classify the various states of the brain and identify 'disorders,' but who exactly decides what is a disorder and what is simply a divergent state of normal human wiring? Such classifications are all-too-often culturally biased and based almost entirely on what is deemed acceptable by the standards of the society in which they have been created. By accepting such a practice without even considering the socially constructed element of disability, are we not effectively filtering otherwise normal human personality types through an arbitrarily designed acceptability filter?

Don't get me wrong; I understand full well that there are certain conditions listed in the DSM which genuinely are concerning both for the safety of society and the individual themselves. In our search for more and more of those however, we must be careful to avoid pathologizing personality types. After all, if we as a species are naturally diverse physically, culturally and even spiritually, why not mentally? There is no one-size-fits-all human body, so why must the brain conform to such rigid standards of normalcy? We need to move away from the traditional medically-based understanding of psychology and towards one which blends what we have learned with an understanding of the wonderful diversity of human nature. One which respects the identity and agency of each and every human being and which doesn't simply reduce them to a diagnostic label on a testing document.

After all, I may be an Aspie, and I may have ADHD, but I am Adam first and foremost. These have shaped me and are a part of me, but at the end of the day I deserve far more than to be reduced to a simple pathology.

The same is true of every human on this planet, no matter the challenges we face.

As always yours in diversity,

Adam Michael

Oh, by the way, here's the link to the article I mentioned in this post. Definitely worth a read!:

http://un-boxedbrain.com.au/2016/02/oppressors-tools/